LUSSO Magazine wants an occasional column about the serious problems facing people deeply immersed in the luxury lifestyle, announced the BAFTA award-winning actor I’d hired to dramatically read my e-mails aloud for the week.

At first I was confused. Hasnt our world of 500-foot yachts serving sushi cut from the bellies of the fish whose habitats the yachts have destroyed not to mention watches crafted from the diamond-encrusted bones of the people who spend their days mining for diamonds moved beyond the plebeian acts of reading and writing?

I save my eyes to see the world from the window on the top floor of my recently restored farmhouse built on land that once housed more endangered species than my private chef could count. And I save my words for the people I’ve trusted to scream at the people whom I’ve hired to be my liaisons to the people who raise my children.

People in my position can’t waste their words, I telepathically communicated to the senior aide I entrust to interpret my thoughts and feelings before I even have them.

But my aide knew exactly what I was thinking and he had already sent a sapphire-studded e-mail response back to the folks at LUSSO who made possible by my brand-new rare-gemstone laser printer and servant slicer, the finest tool on the market for creating jewel-covered electronic documents or turning hired help into fancy charcuterie.

This is delicious, said the daughter I airbrush from my family photos because of her weight.

You’re eating your previous nanny, her current nanny replied.

But, see, these are the problems you could write about, said my genetically engineered talking squirrel, bought with the heaps of money I made from selling bespoke toaster ovens to millionaires struggling to make uniquely-sized sandwiches.

About your struggles to keep your daughter from eating the help, about your puppy’s liposuction surgery, about the private jet you tried to transport via private jet but couldn’t find a private jet big enough to put another jet inside. People can identify with these struggles, and learn something about your humanity. Plus, writing may help you rehabilitate your image after the tragic incident with the disabled children.

You mean the most recent incident?

Yes. Unless there’s been another one since.

My talking squirrel was right. The problems of people like us is what size glass to serve the blood of the enemies we’ve vanquished; which motorway we should purchase just to shut down so we can test-drive our new Bugatti; how young is too young to give our daughters drugs to make them vomit after they eat are things worth writing about.

Hopefully this column can help shine a light on some of these critical issues. Courtesy, of course, of the man I pay to work with the agency that hires the people who shine lights for me.