‘Why I’m Buying the F-35 Lightning II’: There’s No Stopping 15-year-old Mega-Billionaire Alex Tofflemaz Jr
15-year-old Alex Tofflemaz Jr last year became the world’s youngest internet billionaire when Google bought the start-up he founded at kindergarten, ‘Erg’. The app, based on an algorithm that predicts when a user will sneeze, cough, break wind or blink, turns off devices when they are not being looked at during these ‘closed eye events.’ Valued at $23 billion, it has rocketed Alex into the very higher echelons of the super rich. Wired described him as ‘a numbers-obsessed infant-savant with the money of Croesus, the subtlety of a land mine and the tastes of a straight Liberace’. With his share buyout deal due to be signed off in the next month, we asked the teen boy with everything what he’s going to treat himself to as celebration. This was the emailed reply:
Dear LUSSO guys,
The F-35 Lightning II will be the most advanced jet fighter in the world. It cost $400 billion to develop. It took seven years to make. It will take another five more to finish. I am going to buy one.
They were in Iron Man and I thought they were, like, the best thing in the movie, since having spent a month working on the necessary software to make the suit work I discovered that it was a fantasy and they had lied to me I will be suing Marvel. I like things that are real, not actually impossible. Duh.
I copy and pasted this from Wikipedia:
“Nicknamed Lightning II in honour of the P-38 Lightning (the famously fork-shaped WW2 workhorse fighter), the F-35 owes its genesis to Lockheed Martin, the American military-industrial titan, who are constructing them for the Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps as a replacement for old Cold War-era hardware. Its design has been modelled on the X-35, the F-35’s predecessor and the first experimental aircraft to be developed by the Joint Strike Fighter Program back in 1996. Apart from the US, eight other countries have invested and will be taking delivery in their respective liveries: Australia, Canada, Denmark, Italy, the Netherlands, Norway,Turkey and the UK (Israel, Singapore and Japan are also interested).”
If Wikipedia don’t like it they can lick my balls. I just bought Wikipedia this second, in case Jimmy Wales wants to take me down. He is old, so he will die soon anyway. He is poor. That old Microsoft man is poor too, because he keeps giving his money away. Yeah, whatever.
The moment our leaders said America couldn’t afford not to build the F-35, they ran out of money. Laaaaame. The programme has been the Pentagon’s most expensive yet. The project has had every been called “global wrecking ball” to a “death spiral”. I think that makes it sound really major cool.
It is 15.7m long and with a 10.7m span. Pull back on the throttle (I will be a trained fighter pilot within 2 years, so that’s a thing I will do) and the Pratt & Whitney F-135-600 engine delivers 38,000lbs of thrust and a top speed of 1.6 Mach. I hope I puke when I do this, because that would be so cool.
There are three different kinds of F35. So which one will I buy? This is tough. Because I don’t know where I will be living when I get it and I don’t know what my girlfriend will like. (I don’t have a girlfriend now. But by then I will and she will be so hot, you will just stare and hide your boner, because she will have monster Katy Perry boobage, booty and lots of pink hair and maybe tattoos and will sing, lapdance and rap at my birthday party. I’d like her to be a vet or environmentally active, also).
Being the lightest, the F-35A is the most versatile and is the only one that holds an internal GAU-22 gun. Agility and situational awareness make it a multi-role performance fighter, for TOTAL domination in all situations – including taking down bullies and Yahoo. But I want to park it on my old junior school football field and, after dealing with the 6th grade jocks, freak Mr. Knutson, my a-hole pure math teacher out. I mean I did that at 9, when I solved the Goldbach Conjecture, by finding a lower number C than the standard computable constant, even though Schnirelmann himself obtained C < 800000. Sucks to be you, Schnirelmann.
So the F-35B – the variant with STOVL (short takeoff/vertical landing) function – is riskier (armaments and fuel volume are the trade-off for the added vertical flight systems), but it’s the one that’s going to get me on that sports field, before they can run and hide. The third is the F-35C Carrier and this has larger, folding wing for better control at low speeds. It can handle the greatest range and boasts a lethal payload. But I don’t want an aircraft carrier as I have no where to park it and my father says sailors have strange dirty habits.
The most most cool thing is the helmet. I cannot express the levels of AWESOME this thing is.
Sergei Brin’s Google Glass is like my weird-smelling grandma’s wax-covered hearing aid next to it. I will NEVER take it off and everyone will have to talk to me through it. My mom said I couldn’t sleep in it. But she won’t be able to live in my castle, because the security will stop her. So I think it will happen.
The cockpit was designed without a suite-mounted display, so the helmet’s flip-down visor does all the work. A set of infrared sensors have been flush-mounted around the aircraft and then fused with the pilot’s augmented reality display, then overlaid with images and information on the altitude, speed, weapons etc. Thus, the pilot gets a god-like 360 degree view of everything. DO YOU GET WHAT THIS MEANS!? The F-35 exterior becomes invisible to the pilot!- in fact, he will be invisible to himself: he looks down to see his legs, he won’t see anything but the ground. He looks at surrounding landscape in total darkness and will see it as if it were daylight. I WILL BE GOD.
UPDATE: I AM REALLY ANGRY. I just found out that it is illegal to buy active military hardware in any country, whilst it is in active use. I also just found out you can’t buy Supreme Court judges to make them change the law. So I won’t be able to buy a used F-35 until 2050. I will be 52. That’s pretty ok. I can learn to fly properly by then. And Mr. Knutson will be in an old person’s home by then. That’s good. They have better parking/landing than football fields. If he is dead, I will find his grave and make him the first cryogenically revived teacher in history. No one can stop me.