The Anonymous Billionaire: The Land Of Ice
It has been quite a busy past few months here at the World Headquarters, or, as others might call it, my private bathroom– a 3,200 square-meter marble temple of excretory pleasure, with three toilets completely encrusted with crystals, hand-carved by workers who, ironically, do not themselves have access to bathrooms between the hours of 6am and midnight. It’s upon crystal toilet #3 where I do most of my best work, whether it’s figuring out the next great undiscovered offshore banking haven where I can move my money (a cave on the 4th moon of Uranus, western face — completely off the radar screen of the tax collectors — but don’t reveal where you heard it!), or making my next great move in a challenging game of Words With Servants. (The servants have yet to beat me, incidentally.)
Between my travels among my many toilets, I found the time to plan a most excellent adventure to the mythical Land of Ice, or, as the man who hand-draws my maps calls it, Ice-Land. I had heard about this place from the puffins I stole from the London Aquarium and Puffin Whisperer I hired to communicate with them. They told me it was a land of untrammeled beauty and natural wonder. So, of course, I knew I needed to quickly trammel it before it was too late. I called the puffins to service, to let me ride on their backs and see the world the way they had seen it before the Aquarium took them into captivity, and then I took them into even further and more confining captivity. After a tough negotiation — I gave them almost as many fish as I had to give my sixth ex-wife in the divorce (she was a whale of a lady!) — they agreed to serve as my tour guides into the wintry wilds of Ice-Land.
(Of course, some might say we should have gone in the summer, when the weather is temperate. But as I always say, why let the weather control you when you can control the weather? I simply built a biosphere over the whole island and made it sunny and warm. Did it confuse the locals? Maybe. Did it flood the entire country? Possibly. Did it completely destroy the very natural wonders I sought to see? Yes, but it was well worth it, because I hate wearing a scarf!)
And, goodness, I don’t know how it took me this long to get to such a magnificent place. Did you know that if you throw a child into the spout of an active geyser, he will vaporize almost instantly? It is fortunate that my chief luggage handler brought his son on our journey (you can never have too many people dedicated to folding your socks), or I would never have discovered this amazing fact. Did you also know that there is a waterfall in Ice-Land that is one hundred blindfolded virgin women tall? It is a demonstrated truth (I have the photo evidence to prove it).
From the eating of my loyal puffin guides to the tossing of millions of spare coins into a volcano in order to make all of my wishes come true, I had a brilliant time in the “Land that used to have Ice until I destroyed it with my weather machines.” (If you go, consider staying at the luxury villa Hrafnabjörg, where Tom Cruise stayed while filming Oblivion. Alternatively, you can stay in the even-more-luxurious mouth of a Icelandic whale — cozy, well-heated, frequent refreshments, and you literally could not be closer to the water. Just tell them Anonymous Billionaire sent you!)
Until next time, vera ríkur! (That’s “stay wealthy” in Icelandic!)