Dan Egan’s Top Tips
We hooked up with Vice President Selina Meyer’s deputy Director of Communications; the (mostly) unflappable Dan ‘The Man’ Egan, to tell us about the D.C. lifestyle. Here, for true #DanFans, are Mr Egan’s top pointers for getting to the top…
Nobody cares where you went to college. Unless you went to NYU. I went to NYU.
2. EVERY HOLE IS NOT A GOAL.
Don’t date one of your pal’s ex-girlfriends. Unless she’s super hot or will enhance your career. Or both, but that’s the holy grail, man.
I remember first properly taking note of a politician. It was Bush Senior, dispatching troops to the Persian Gulf, ahead of Iraq part one, ’Nam part two. I stood there, in front of the TV, staring at this terrifying, powerful monster of a man. My sister wanted to watch Sesame Street. I was forced to push her into the nearest closet and lock it. This, on the TV, was something special, bigger than all of us, even fucking Big Bird. This was politics. I turned six two days later.
4. MOTORCADE, MOTHERFUCKER.
If you’re still cool with taking public transport more than a year into your D.C. career, you may as well jump under that fucking bus.
5. YOUR BODY IS YOUR TOMB. YOUR SEXY TOMB.
Forget fast food. You’re a salad man now. You’re only as good as your LinkedIn DP. I eat a lot of kale; it’s like spinach for a hipster Popeye. Diabetes? Diabetes is a state of mind. Mom, that’s aimed at you.
6. YOU’RE THE DADDY NOW.
The VP’s office is one big dysfunctional family who occasionally fuck and/or fight one another. Amy is the grumpy teenage babysitter, Mike’s the dribbling toddler, Gary is your gay uncle in-the-closet. Ben is the probably-racist definitely-alcoholic grandpa and Kent is the intense kid you made friends with at school because he did your math homework for you. And Sue is the big sister who beat him up if he didn’t. Obviously Selina is the real, uh, lady-man of the house, but I’m the fun weekend dad. So long as it doesn’t involve actual childcare or crumpling my suit. I mean, come on, this is Paul Smith. Sorry, I’ve lost track of this analogy.
7. CHINOS CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF.
Dad, that one was actually aimed at you.
8. EVERYONE WILL TELL YOU THAT LOOKS AREN’T EVERYTHING.
And in your case they’re right because you’re fucking smart. I’ve just been voted most handsome staff member in the EEOB. Technically it was a poll that I commissioned to boost staff morale but don’t publish that – it cost the public $300.
9. AMERICAN NICE-GUY.
When people compare you to Patrick Bateman, take it as a compliment. It means that you like nice things. Unlike Bateman, I’m not all about money. Also, I don’t kill prostitutes.
10. BE TUMBLR FABULOUS.
I’ve seen the #DanFan pages. Thanks guys, I love you! That only goes out to attractive girls over the age of 21, not weird fat guys on the internet dreaming of wearing my skin and jerking off onto print-outs of my face. Yes, that means you, Mike McClintock. Women are fickle. They will google you before they booble you, you ruthless handsome bastard.
11. YOU SEE THAT HOTTIE TO YOUR LEFT? She wants you to talk to her. No, don’t dance over. That’s like using a visit to the gyno as foreplay.
12. GO HIGHER, DO BETTER, BE MORE. I mean, you’re still the best person you know, but make sure you’re miles ahead of your previous self. Selves. And your colleagues. And friends. And family.
13. KEEP A SPARE. Shirts and policies are very similar. Without a shirt, you’re the drunk asshole at a ball game. Without a policy, you may as well be the drunk asshole at a ball game because you just got fucking fired. D.C. shitstorms may be unpredictable but they always happen indoors. It’s important to look good and sound plausible at all times, so keep your spare policy fresh. And the correct neck size.
14. DO THE HOURS. A successful D.C. career comes down to being sifted through the idiot-filter. The holes in that thing seem to be pretty fucking large. You have to be prepared to work long and hard for very little money and piles of stress. And actual piles. I know a lot of guys who are like 25 but have the face of a 49-year-old man and the skin of a 13-year-old boy. Where’s their hair going? I have no idea but I don’t blame it for not wanting to stay on that fucking ruin.
15. LIVE IN A GOOD NEIGHBOURHOOD.
Don’t stop until your home is a) white, b) a house, c) The White House.
16. GROOMING IS A PRIORITY.
I’m not just talking about maintaining a high standard of personal appearance, I’m talking about cultivating impressionable interns so that they become your personal slaves.
17. BE PREPARED TO SELL THE MOVIE RIGHTS OF YOUR LIFE.
Because you’re fucking glam. Who would play me? Anyone but Clooney. I’m sick of being told that I look like the most attractive man in the world. Maybe Ryan Reynolds, in a script by Owen Wilson. But Wilson pre-The Internship.
Dead. Keep it that way.
Dead. Nah, I’m kidding, none of my own. That I know of – am I right guys?? No, I obviously don’t actually have any kids, you fucking imbecile.
20. INVEST IN AN APP.
If voting was formatted like an online dating app, called Voter or something, a shit-tonne of people would turn out. Swipe to the left to say no to Candidate Fuckhead, swipe to the right to vote Your Handsome Man Egan. Also, I might get some dates out of it if I ever ran for an elected position. One problem: Poor people would actually be able to vote, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned about poor people it’s that they shouldn’t be able to vote. Maybe we could only release Voter on high-end smart phones. Yeah, that would solve it.
FINALLY, 21. READ LUSSO.
No, don’t waste your money on that shit. Make your intern subscribe for you. Only joking – I’ve never read your magazine. But you appreciated the sentiment, right?
That’s it, guys. The VP’s office can’t run without me. Don’t print that. It’s true, but don’t print it.
Egan out. XOXO.
Veep continues Wednesdays at 9.35pm on Sky Atlantic HD, On Demand and on the move via Sky Go for more info visit www.sky.com/veep.
Veep’s Dan Egan is played by Reid Scott who was interviewed in Lusso 35 – click here to read the interview in full.