Anonymous Millionaire: On Vacation
When I last wrote, I was actually dictating my column from atop the shoulders of the man who carries me from place to place whenever my feet would otherwise have to touch the ground. We were heading toward my spare yacht, as I prepared to embark on a marvellous vacation I’d been waiting all day to begin.
I remember before the economy caused us to cut back, I yelled to the man who carries the man who carries me. Two vacations a day was so much more civilised than just the one. This is too much weight for me to bear, he yelled back, as I felt myself start to topple.
You mean it’s too much wait for you to bear, don’t you? Too much wait between vacations? I said, with a hearty chuckle. I did some wordplay there, didn’t I? Why aren’t you laughing? And why am I falling to my left? You know I prefer to fall to my right.
After we solved that problem say hello to my brand-new second carry-man I was on the yacht and ready for my sail to Andorra. I’d originally been told that sailing to Andorra would be impossible, something about full of mountains and completely landlocked, but you don’t get to where I am by listening to people who tell you that things are impossible. Nothings impossible if you have enough money, or if you let people lie to you and don’t question the veracity of what they’re saying.
So, I had my men (and one woman, thanks to the sex discrimination suit I was forced to settle last year) go about getting a waterway built through the heart of the Pyrenees so I could sail straight into beautiful Andorra la Vella without having to leave the ship and pass through either Spain or France, where I am wanted for a series of crimes that I am almost certain I should not have committed.
Minutes later, I was told we were on our way, and we sailed right into what my people insisted was Andorra, although truth be told, I didn’t realise they spoke Gaelic in Andorra and that the place would look so much like Scotland. Not to matter, by the time I finished wolfing down a plate of traditional Andorran haggis, I was ready to head home and start preparing for the next journey. You get lazy when you cut back on your schedule it used to be no problem to fit two vacations into each day, and now I barely have time for one. I would say I must be getting old, except that ever since I started injecting myself with growth hormones, I’ve completely stopped the aging process.
Sure, I know what you’re thinking. Human Growth Hormone (HGH) does not stop the aging process, or so say the scientists. But I’m one step ahead of them. I’m not interested in HGH, I’m interested in TGH. Tortoise Growth Hormone. Humans live to 100, 120 maximum (35 if you work for me!) but tortoises can live as long as 255 years. So why not aim big? See you in the year 2250 (but probably not in Spain or France!)